Nobody's Side
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: Kyra's been having problems lately, and she's taking matters into her own hands. Deals with serious subject matter.
1. Silent Pain

**A/N: I know I had this story already posted, but I decided to re-do it, and hopefully it will be better. Deals with serious content. If you or someone you know displays any of these symptoms, seek help.**

"KYRA!! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN NOW!!!"

Kyra Hart sighed and turned her stereo down slightly, but not enough to truly matter. There were disadvantages to living with her father and his wife, but she supposed it was better than living with her mother, and the rest of her family. At least here she didn't have to endure Cheyenne and Van…or Jake, who loved playing with her makeup.

Kyra had to admit though, that things had been getting more difficult lately. As she let her mind wander, she found herself being consumed with memories of that last day..

"_Kyra, do you want to go to the mall today?"_

"_I would, but Barbra Jean is making me take her to her Beanie Babies Mothers Group meeting. Sorry, Rach."_

"_Oh, it's okay. I feel bad for you though. Stuck with BJ…well, we can go some other time. Is that cool with you?"_

"_Sure. Let me know when. Bye, Rach."_

"_Bye, Kyra."_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"_Kyra…honey…we have something to tell you. This isn't easy to say, but…Rachel was in a car accident this afternoon."_

_Kyra was stunned into silence._

"_Is-is she okay?"_

_From the look on her father's face, she could guess the answer._

"_No, honey…she…didn't make it."_

_The lights in the room swirled and dimmed as Kyra's eyes rolled into her head, and she fell to the floor, unconscious,_

Kyra let her tears fall as she reached over to her bedside table and picked up the pocketknife she had taken from her boyfriend a few weeks ago.

_Sometimes…`some other time' never happens. Sometimes…it's too late. You don't get a second chance, _Kyra thought as she brought the knife to her arm.

First, the small slice of pain, followed by a slow stream of blood. She knew her family was a bit worried about her, but she also knew they would let it go eventually. Kyra had always been quiet, they didn't notice her silence as much. She was always in her room as it was, so that was another sign that had gone unnoticed. Did they really notice her at all, or was she just someone who lived in the upstairs bedroom?

Her father and Barbra Jean used her as a referee for their arguments, and Barbra Jean almost always asked her which side she was on, to which Kyra usually shrugged in response. Now she was rethinking the question and forming a new answer. One that rang true to her heart.

_Maybe I'm on nobody's side, _Kyra thought, _Everybody's playing the game, but nobody's rules are the same. Maybe…I'm on nobody's side. I'm always the last one people ask about when they want to know if something's wrong. They never ask me if I'm okay, if I'm happy…they assume I'm perfectly happy and that I've always been that way. They just think I have a bad attitude. Have they ever thought that maybe I hide my pain behind this mask of anger and sarcasm?_

Did anyone even care how she felt? Somehow, Kyra knew that the answer was obvious. They didn't care, so why should she try? She knew she was slipping away even as she dried her arms, removing all traces of blood, but for once, she let go and decided not to care.

**A/N: Okay, there you go. Some of Kyra's thoughts are from the song "Nobody's Side" from the musical "Chess", sung by the amazing Idina Menzel (Rent, Wicked). Please review!**


	2. Blocking the Pain

_I don't think I can do this anymore. The misery is too much. The pain…I can't handle it much longer. Mom doesn't understand, Dad is focused on…well, I'm not sure, Cheyenne is wrapped up in her own life, Van's concentrating on his real estate career, Barbra Jean...who knows what goes on in her head? _

_I've been trying to go with the flow, but the current is pulling me under, and I'm powerless to stop it. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to be shown that I'm not alone. I'm so lost and confused. I don't know what to do, and I feel so alone. I need someone to talk to, but no one will listen. I can hear them in a whisper, but they can't even hear me screaming…_

Kyra closed her journal and put down her pen. Her bright blue eyes were hidden behind a veil of tears that threatened to fall. Unable to help herself any longer, she let the tears fall. She fell facedown on her bed and sobbed into her pillow, for once not caring who saw her, even at her most vulnerable.

She glanced up, uncaring, when her phone vibrated next to her, but didn't answer it. The loud alert tone told her that she had a new voicemail, but she shrugged it off, uninterested in anything other than the silence and pain consuming her, deafening her ears.

Her phone rang again, and still she could not bring herself to answer it. Finally when she could stand it no longer, she put her pillow over her head and attempted to drown out all thoughts, all sounds, all memories. Another alert tone sounded, and sighing, she reached over and prepared to listen to her messages.

"_Hey, Kyra, it's Josh. I just wanted to call and say hi and make sure you're okay. I guess I'll talk to you later. I love you. Bye."_

Josh…she should have known he would call. He always did. Not that she didn't care about him. She did care, but sometimes she needed her own space, she needed to figure things out on her own, without him. Josh had never seemed to understand that. He was also very controlling, even going to the point of forbidding her to cut, and even though she knew he did it out of love, it bothered her.

True, she hadn't been the best girlfriend either. She had lied to him about major things for her own selfish reasons, but she had come clean about it later. She was worried about God though. Would He forgive her? Did He even exist? She found that she had to believe in Him, because she was losing everything else she had previously found comfort in.

She had her reasons for lying to him. She had needed to be sure he wouldn't leave her. That he would stay through anything. So, she had told him she was dying, and he had believed her. He had stayed as well, passing her test. Then, once she had been honest with him, he had still stayed, but she knew she had to leave.

She knew she was a compulsive liar, but did that make her a terrible person? Did she really deserve to burn in Hell for all eternity? She didn't think so. She had faith that God would forgive her, though she continued to make the same mistakes.

The next message was from Cheyenne, wanting her to baby-sit Elizabeth, and Kyra knew that it would be a good way to distract herself and to get out of the house, even for awhile. She picked her phone and began to dial Cheyenne's number, but when she heard her sister's voice on the other end of the line, she found she couldn't speak, and fought to force words from her lips

"Cheyenne, I-I got your call. Did you still need me to watch Elizabeth?"

"Oh, yeah. You don't mind, do you, Kyra?"

"No, I don't mind. I wasn't doing anything tonight. Watching her will be something new to do."

She forced a laugh, and hoped Cheyenne would believe it.

"Thanks, Kyra. I owe you."

Kyra smiled faintly.

"I may take you up on that someday."

The sister's said their goodbyes and Kyra hung up, feeling a little better. Sighing softly, she gathered her things and prepared to go take care of Elizabeth, hoping it would indeed distract her and keep her from making another terrible mistake.


	3. Goodbye, Love

**A/N: Okay, here's the next chapter. Hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: Yes, I own everything, because I have Scarlett Pomers locked in my closet, along with Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Idina Menzel, and Josh Groban. Believe me now?  
**

"Looky, Aunt Kywa. Looky!!"

Elizabeth's voice shattered her reverie, and she turned to watch as her little niece spun around in her ballerina outfit, trying not to cry. The child was like a miniature Cheyenne, and watching her hurt Kyra more than she believed possible, though why she didn't know.

"Was I good, Aunt Kywa?"

She forced a smile for Elizabeth, and clapped her hands.

"You were great. Much better than your daddy."

"Daddy was a ballerina?" Elizabeth's eyes were blue saucers.

Kyra smiled at the memory of Van dancing around in the garage, getting "in the zone", as he put it, and ruffled Elizabeth's hair.

"Something like that."

The door opened, and Reba entered, nearly falling as Elizabeth crashed into her.

"Gwamma!! Aunt Kywa's here!!"

"So I see," Reba replied, looking at her granddaughter, "Cheyenne busy?"

Kyra nodded.

"Yeah, something about a sale at the mall and would I mind watching Elizabeth…"

"Well, I can watch her now, if you have somewhere to go."

"Really? Thanks, Mom. I did need to talk to Josh about something."

"Everything okay with you two?" Reba wanted to know.

Kyra nodded.

"Yeah, things are good. I just need to tell him something."

Reba smiled.

"Okay then. If you want to stay around for dinner, you can."

For once, the idea seemed appealing to Kyra and she smiled.

"Okay. I'll have to ask Dad, but I'd love to."

She hugged her mother and niece before walking out the door and down the street to Josh's house. She hadn't been lying when she said things were okay between them, but she knew this was something she had to do. She knocked on the door and Josh answered, smiling when he saw her.

"Kyra! Come on in. No sense in you standing out in the rain."

Rain? She hadn't even noticed it was raining, but as she looked down at her clothes, she noticed they were indeed wet.

"No. I just came to say goodbye, love."

Without waiting for his response, she turned and ran down the street, hoping he hadn't heard the sadness in her voice.

"Goodbye, love. I'm so sorry."

The rain fell down on her face, hiding the tears as she ran to her mother's house. She wrenched open the door, and was nearly tackled as Elizabeth crashed into her.

"Aunt Kywa's back!!!"

"Kyra, honey, you're all wet. What happened?"

Kyra pointed to the door.

"It's raining, Mom."

Reba looked surprised.

"It is? I didn't notice it. Ready for dinner?"

The teen nodded, her flaming tresses sticking to her skin. She knew she had to be brave, to put on a smile for her mother and the rest of her family. After all, what right did she have to burden them with her problems when there were so many serious problems to deal with?

The dinner was no problem. Acting was so commonplace now that Kyra hardly noticed it anymore. She smiled at all the right places, threw in sarcastic remarks where they were expected and laughed at Elizabeth's adorable yet sometimes annoying table manners.

Once she was safely back in her house, she pulled out her vibrating phone and noticed that she had a new voicemail. From Josh, no doubt, but she wasn't sure she wanted to hear it. Sighing slightly, she pressed the middle button on her phone and began to listen.

_"Hey, Kyra. Please call me when you get this. Please. I'm really worried about you. What did you mean you "came to say goodbye"? What did I do wrong? Please tell me. I'll fix it, I promise. I love you. Bye."_

She threw her phone carelessly onto the bed and snuck quietly down the stairs. She opened the kitchen drawer and pulled out the knife, taking it silently into the bathroom. She pulled her jeans from her leg and frantically began the process of cutting the flesh of her thigh.

She never did understand why people always said cutting didn't hurt. She knew otherwise. It hurt, no denying it, but she welcomed the pain. It let her know that she wasn't completely numb. It was worth the pain, but she did feel scared whenever she thought about her parents discovering her secret.

Kyra supposed that should be enough to keep her from cutting again, but the fear was worth it when she felt the satisfaction at seeing her own blood. She could hear the voice in her head now, calling her a coward for not being brave enough to draw blood, and she fought back, proving the voice wrong.

"Who's the coward now?" Kyra whispered to the voice.

Silence was her only answer.

**A/N: When Kyra says goodbye to Josh, she's quoting the song "Goodbye, Love" from RENT, as recorded by Rosario Dawson. Review if you feel so inclined.**


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